October, 7th 2009
Our vers of the year for 2009:
Jesus replied, "What is impossible with men is possible with God."
The newest letters of Push
For months I have tried to write another letter to you all. I mostly don’t have a lot of time though since my energy is very limited these days. My physical capacities have been used up for different reasons during the day so that I mostly don’t have a lot of strength for concentration for a letter or email left. I have started to write this letter several times, but have never been able to actually finish it. That means that I always end up starting over.
I am sorry that I have barely been able to answer emails this year. From the beginning of this year on my health has been pretty unstable. It started with intensified pain in my hip region with which I had to do rehab. After rehab I have had more physicals done during which they discovered metastasis in my lungs. Only a few days later my pelvis started cracking, which then led to the discovery of a fraction which they had missed during my rehab and the physicals in Berlin. We assume that the fracture has been there since the beginning of December.
For my lungs I had to start a chemotherapy in form of pills. With that I felt sick much more again. In June I went for the next physicals where the metastasis where completely gone. The joy was taken by a fever that I got the same night. I had to go back to Berlin after I was still fighting the fever two weeks later. There they found new tumor cells in the area of the old tumor in my pelvis. Since August I am doing chemotherapy via port again. I have had enough strength to be of spiritual help at a Camp for teens in Sweden. I have also been able to be part of my friend’s Myri and Daniel’s wedding in the south of Germany. However, I had to get a blood transfusion while still in Sweden. I have had to do chemo ca. every 3 weeks. On October 7th I have more physicals which will reveal further treatments.
The exact procedure is still not determined. Since the last chemo I have started to pray more intensely for healing. But I have not done this looking at my sickness, but looking at God’s strength and might. Psalm 105:4 has become especially important during this time. “Look to the LORD and his strength; seek his face always.” And Colossians 2:17: “The reality, however, is found in Christ.” Jesus is always talking to us personally. Some of you might say that it is by chance and that Jesus isn’t really there. But I know, that He is really here and if you really want that He proves Himself then He will show you how near He is in a way that you will really understand.
It is humanly not really understandable to be so joyful and at peace as I am in a situation as bad as mine. But it is because of Him that I have that peace and joy! He alone gives me the assurance that the best is yet to come- eternal life. Which doesn’t mean that I do not like it here on earth. But the assurance He gives me makes it easier for me not to give up.
Sometimes I don’t see it right away (sometimes not at all) how things could be good for me, but I have the promise that He has the best plan. I have grown closer to Jesus during the last months. I don’t want to be missing that time. Grown means to fill one’s heart and more and more with Jesus through offering Him more of oneself. Therefore I am focused on Him more and more. That way I am giving my problems to the only One who can actually handle them.
I have no idea how I could live without Him. I am so thankful knowing HIm.
He wants all of our heart. And only because He knows that this is best for our life. When we would take all His advice for serious we would be able to enjoy the life He intended for us.
What I have learned or realized is that we usally wait for a big day to come or say „if I have this or have that, life will be better to enjoy“. But the truth is, when the day passed by or if we have this or that, life is usally not different. Instead, we missed enjoying all the other excitements along the way. We miss living or enjoying the life we have, by watching into the future. (Although we can only live in the present time. It´s more about the way how we get to a point and not just the goal itself.
What I have seen is that the „joyful“ we mean is a joy we can not do on our own by changing our attitude. We receive the joy from Him, when we look up to Him and trust Him. This joy comes automaticly when we are close to Him. And it´s not only because for what He has done for us, but for who He is. Just because of His being. Therefore even in hard times nobody can take away this joy.
There is a song that summarizes all the advantages we have when Jesus is Lord of our lives. We can only benefit when we let Jesus influence our life. As in every relationship it takes time to get to know each other, but He is most patient and we have all life to get to know Him. The question is if you set the right priorities for your life. You might not want to hear that, but you should start preparing to spend your life with Jesus in eternity. As a young person you might think that you still have plenty of time left to decide, but in reality life can be over so quickly even when you are young. Some people might say “I want to enjoy my life a little more”, but to be honest, you can enjoy your life with Jesus much more! I don’t want to bug you, just remind you. The best decision in my life was to decide to live with Jesus.
I don’t know what is going to come for me next. I don’t know if I am still alive in a year, or if Jesus will heal me. But I know that I will live even if I die. Right in the beginning of my sickness when I asked Jesus if I could live longer than what the diagnosis was prophesying, I read the following verses in the Bible. With these verses I want to end my letter. I can’t even tell you how grateful I am for your letters, emails, thoughts and prayers.
Yes, and I will continue to rejoice, 19for I know that through your prayers and the help given by the Spirit of Jesus Christ, what has happened to me will turn out for my deliverance.20I eagerly expect and hope that I will in no way be ashamed, but will have sufficient courage so that now as always Christ will be exalted in my body, whether by life or by death. 21For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain. 22If I am to go on living in the body, this will mean fruitful labor for me. Yet what shall I choose? I do not know! 23I am torn between the two: I desire to depart and be with Christ, which is better by far; 24but it is more necessary for you that I remain in the body. 25Convinced of this, I know that I will remain, and I will continue with all of you for your progress and joy in the faith, 26so that through my being with you again your joy in Christ Jesus will overflow on account of me.
P.S. Please be patient with me, if you have sent me a letter or an email but haven’t heard from me yet. I am just very limited with my strength this year. Thank you so much for all your leveling regards.